Paris, Nicole, Lindsay, all risked jail for ale. But the latest tale of a celebrity trading Jello shots for mug shots is a shocker. A little gull told us that SpongeBob was recently given probation on charges on drunk diving, on the condition that he attend meetings of Alcoholics Anemones. This comes from a highly reliable source: we held a seashell up to our ear.
Bumpwatch News: Go watch someone else’s bump, because Foxy Brown is not pregnant, according to her manager. Her lawyer said otherwise, but then again, his mom wanted him to be a doctor. I say, lucky Foxy. ‘Cause if the hypothetical baby took after her, imagine how it would kick! The confusion arose because Ms. Brown, who is not pregnant, hit a neighbor with a Blackberry, while Halle Berry, who is pregnant, is Black. I see how everyone made this mistake.
Regarding the prospect of a year on Riker’s Island, Ms. Brown said, “I made my bed and I’m willing to lie in it…what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” Don’t do the crime if you can’t say the cliches with a straight face.
Paris Hilton is suing Hallmark for putting out a card with her face on the stick figure of a waitress, who warns a customer, “That’s hot.” Uh, on second, thought, let’s not publish this story. After all, we used her name, so she could sue us. Actually, were not scared . . .We put up the pictures of Vanessa “the High School Vixen” Hudgens and laughed when we received our “cease and desist”. As Lizzie Grubman, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears et al can attest to, “There’s no such thing as bad P.R!
But in case my editor won’t let me publish this, why don’t we rework it a bit. How about this – “She who must not be named, (not to be confused with Lord Voldemort, who’s not quite as thin), is suing Hallmark, etc. Where did she find a lawyer stupid enough to take her case, instead of just saying during pillow talk that he would take it. Such a degree of stupidity forces me to conclude that this is an instance of nepotism and incest. On the other hand, he’s probably not one of those contingency lawyers who only get paid if you win. So he can bill her until the judge throws out the suit. ” Please sue us Paris . . .Please?
Yesterday, Judge Melissa Jackson (“Your Honor” if you’re nasty) told violent vixen Foxy Brown to go directly to jail, do not collect 2 Benjamins, for a parole violation. Ms. Brown violated her parole and a neighbor by assaulting that person with a BlackBerry. Makes Russell Crowe look hopelessly old-fashioned for using a land-line. Naomi Campbell, too: a cell? Please, that’s so turn of the millennium. Gee, Russ, Naomi, why not a horsewhip? Remember, kids, use Space Age equipment for your Stone Age behavior. The not-too-sly Foxy was originally jailed for assaulting a couple of manicurists. I hope she used a weapon that time, because punching could ruin a girl’s brand new silk wrap. Don’t even think about scratching! Fightin’ Foxy, who is three months pregnant, can get out in eight months if she stays on her best behavior. Fortunately, prison affords slight temptation for the likes of Ms. Brown: cons have to wait in line to use the phone. Nonetheless, her kit will not be born free. I’m tempted to smuggle in a birthday cake with a nail file inside. She can blow out my candle any day.
News of the weird direct from Hollywood! 
